return to innocence lost

I'm going to take a break from getting on my soapbox, making realizations about life, and just talk. I don't know who reads this, but I suppose this entry is more for me than anyone else. I've recently truly made some changes in my life. I've done this before, but I always cheated, backslid a little. So far, no backsliding. Haven't smoked a black or a newport since last thursday. No sex in 9 months. No messing around either. I refuse to partake in subpar female company, so I haven't chilled with a woman for the majority of that time. Old habits are so hard to break, you know? But, sacrifice is the new word for me. Sometimes you have to sacrifice for the sake of others. My smoking saddens my mother deeply, and to see her smile everyday I choose not to smoke makes the irritation worth it. I don't want kids, or some disgusting disease, so celibacy is its own reward. Plus, I'm tired of making God sad. He asks us not to do it, and I think I can oblige him. Let anger go too, not my homeboy anymore. He's like the anti-beautiful. Can't realize the beauty around you when your pissed off and complaining all the time. I saw a little boy walking with his littler(I know thats not a word) brother. Couldn't hear what they were talking about, but he had his arm around him smiling...good enough for me. A snapshot of common beauty. As I've grown older, I have simultaneously become more sarcastic, pessimistic, jaded, upset, worried and frustrated. It affects the way I see things. I'm going back to a simpler time if I can. Can't be innocent anymore, but I'll just look at things like I looked at that boy with his brother.

"just think...

you're here not by chance, but by god's choosing. His hand formed you and made you the person you are. He compares you to no one else- you are one of a kind. You lack nothing that his grace can't give you. He has allowed you to be here at this time in history to fullfill his special purpose for this generation." Roy Lessin

the devil's daughter

Now, believe me, I know this seems weird. For one, I just posted yesterday and one look at the title will make the average person say "Huh?". But hear me out and let me share a dream I have just awoken from. Okay, I was in a college dorm room with some people, I have no idea who they were and these two women were dancing in the middle of the room with each other. Curiosity struck me, and I asked who they were. The one in the front stated as plain as day, that she was the devil's daughter. Okay, the girl child of satan? I was skeptical. So, a decision I would later regret, I asked her how did I know it was her? So, while still grinding on this girl, she casually looked over and showed me herself. It was a slow change, but as the seconds passed, I can't explain what I saw. All I can tell you that it was horrible, and I really do wish I had taken her word for it. The rest of the dream happened like a movie, but I only remember a few key moments. So now I was in this dorm room with the devil's daughter, with her human facade, for 3 days. During this time period she tempted me, tried kissing on me and such (I mean, come on, she showed me what was beneath that pretty mask, and it wasn't sugar and spice), offering me material goods (new shoes as far as the eye could see)which I resisted. It felt like she cursed me when ever I turned it down, for I became deathly ill, and I entered a mode of never ceasing prayer. People were there helping me with my symptoms, but I could never focus on the faces...except for one: Elias Rodriguez, a guy I met at my job this summer. She would come back to the room and just talk, trying to tear me down I suppose. On the last day, I was in a dining hall all of a sudden, me and one end, and dd (I abbreviated it) at the other. She was reading a book about us, all about us, from our history to our biology. I asked her if she knew much about us, and she said no, she knew some, but she was coming here to learn more. Then she dissapeared without a trace. Then I was watching a movie of a party. Young black people gone wild, I mean, this party was bananas. All kinds of thing were going on. I started to intently watch this movie, and focus in on certain...acts. The second I did, I felt a light scratch on my arm. Then I woke up. That was my wake up call. Even if it was not divine inspiration that caused that dream, and it was my own guilty sub-concious, it was enough. It's time for me to do what I know I should have done a long time ago, stop playing and live for God. Read his word, pray constantly, turn away from sin at all costs, and live the life God has set forth for me. Because, it getting that bad, no more room for straddling the fence. God needs his people more than ever. Just open your eyes and look around and you'll know why. The movie at the end I believe was to show how easily it is to slip right back into temptation.The fuuny thing about the devil (and his daughter, who would have known) is that at first, they don't seem horrible. She wasn't the most outwardly evil person in the world( I've met meaner people right her on earth) during her temptation stage. But when I resisted, jeez, things got super ugly. This isn't to convert anyone or make anyone feel guilty, this is the path that I have to walk. Just wanted to let you know, so you can pray for me. And if you care for me, hold me accountable, check me, and please do not bring temptation to my doorstep. I'm not trying to get visited again by the anti-dime.

there she goes...my beautiful world.

I find myself always commenting on how imperfect my surroundings are. I can expose the flaws, and come up with some solutions, but that forced me to think...do I know what my ideal world would look like? I have some ideas. People wouldn't take so much, and give more to the communities they are apart of. Lots of trees, and clear skies. Bikes would be the primary mode of travel (even though I can't ride one), cut down on pollution, the worry over gas prices and general stress levels I hope would drop. People would respect each other in most instances, and just be more friendly. The issues that face people would be made of pinnacle importance, not just those of the rich. Education would not be used as a vehicle to gain greater material wealth, but to enrich the general livelihood of the populace. T.V.'s would only show the Discovery Channel, the History Channel, Sporting Events, and my favorite movies. Everyone would be encouraged to write about a book about their lives and placed in the public library. People would love God as much he loves them. My friends and I would have a live talk show that traveled from state to state, with a special 3 minute debate session between ronald, mike brown, chris ikpoh, sar and crestwell. There is more I could say, but there's no need. The beauty of the thought of it is enough. my wonderful world.

freedom isn't free

Last night, I was confronted with the first circumstance where a person that wasn't black called me a nigger. And a porch-monkey, eastside porch monkey to be exact. The 2 minute version of the situation: my people ordered a pizza to be delivered, and 1.5 hours later, no pizza. Then they called for order to be cancelled. Somehow, this never was relayed to the delivery driver, who called to say that he was outside with the pizza. My friends then told the delivery driver that the order was cancelled a hour ago. We continue about our evening, when around 2am, the pizza shop (PIZZAN'S to be exact) called my friend phone, calling him all kinds of niggers, porch monkey, trying to set up a "rumble" where he would "bust our nigger heads". Now a part of my wanted to take him up on this offer, meet him and settle this phyiscally. But, I knew how this story ended, some black male sitting in jail. So I did what white people have been doing for years, I called the damn police. While the police were in the apartment, the pizza shop called back, so the police were able to hear first hand his comments. Now, I know the police probably didn't lock him up, because people look out for their own. The police still are not friends of the underrepresented, and I do not expect this to change. But now, we have a police report, which can be made into flyers, with irrefutable evidence of his racism. No "there go those black pulling the race card again", we have proof now. Now its time to sacrifice. It would be easier to let this slide, write it off and move on. But freedom isn't free. It requires time, effort, energy, and often times blod and tears. All of which I am willing to sacrifice. It's time to stand up and ride for the causes important to us. Force people to take notice of the injustices around us AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. No more talk. Can't talk your way into freedom...

"nobody wants to be a junkie when they grow up" part deux

There is a segment of our society that undervalued and underappreciated, exploited and abused on a daily basis. Their constitutional are constantly under duress, teetering on the edge of non-existence. Most do nothing to protect their rights; for they feel as a result of their actions, they have reneged on any claim to enjoy the rights guaranteed to them by the constitution. These are the convicted felons of our society. Now, I have to check myself and not go off on this tangent about the prison system, and the inherent inequality of our judicial system.
The main point is that we believe that once we release a person from jail, they have free will concerning the choices they make, which isn't true. Of course no one is holding the proverbial pistol to their heads and forcing them to engage in illegal activity. However, we as a society make it near impossible for a person with a criminal record to find employment. Most human resource professionals will tell you that if that little box on the application is checked concerning a prior conviction, they toss that paper in the "Do Not Call" bin. So, with the legitimate channels for employment shut down, what are they left with? Onion rings my friend. Where is the free will? The choice to return to the deviant behavior is far too attractive while the choice to engage in acceptable activities is like finding a candy-coated unicorn. It's not happening. All I'm saying is that if we acknowledge the simple fact that life decisions are not as simple as choosing a side order for our burgers, then maybe our society as a whole can gain more empathy towards those whose choices are limited for one reason or another.

black is the color of my true love's hair

we've given up as a people. We've stopped caring. As much as black people purport to be a tough, take no nonsense sort of people, we take more shit than any other race. Someone, that looks just like us, colored skin and kinky hair, looks at us too long, and we're ready to send that man to the afterlife. However, white people (or any people for that matter, we've become easy targets for every race) makes a feature length film lampooning us, making minstrels out of us, hoes out of our women, ignorant idiots out of our men, bastards out of our children...and we laugh. Where is the anger, that bold anger that makes black men fight each other in the club? Or the anger that makes our black sisters tear down each other for the sake of appearances?Do we only save it to destroy ourselves? Where is the righteous anger that allowed slaves, stripped of all vestiges of humanity, to say no more, and revolt against those who oppressed them? Some one has to get furious and not let it slide. No more laughing at mockeries of ourselves. No more nodding our heads to songs that portray us as animals. No more pounds when a man proclaims a black woman to be a whore. Or dumb ass t-shirts with dumb ass slogans "Money, Power, Respect". Get angry, and use this anger to fuel the fire for change. Do something please. Say something please. Volunteer, start a newsletter, focus that anger into positivity. Realize that the world we are living in is slowly dying, that we are constantly being pushed further and further to the fringe, and we are laughing the whole way. What are you going to do to save us? Love being black enough to bring our dignity back.

reminisce over you.

I just want to take the time to remember a friend of mine, Christopher Brandon Weaver, who was taken far too soon from this planet. You have people who are nice for recoginition, and those who are nice, because they don't know any other way to treat people. When a person dies, we can never forget what they mean to us. Think about it everyday, how they impacted our lives, so we can remember to impact the lives of those around us.

Everyone is a punk...on the inside.

fear: I believe, at heart, most individuals are cowards. I do not know if this fear is inherent, or taught to us an early age. As we are growing up, we are taught to fear before we are taught to confront and deal. Our parents do this for they feel this is the best way for them to protect us from the world, a fear that will be in place and guide our actions even when we are not in their immediate realm of influence. A fear that will be with us as we grow out of adolescence into adulthood, and a fear that we will pass on to our children. However, at some point we are taught courage; however this is a harder sell, a more difficult concept to grasp and apply to our lives. Maybe this is because we are sold the benefits of fear first. Bravery and courage are highly touted concepts in our society, especially for men. These two concepts define us, and how we are judged as men. Our willingness to never back down from a challenge, to defend our manhood at all costs, these concepts are more precious than gold. The fragile male ego is made so through the foundation of fear that it is built upon. The fear of being viewed as less of a man in the eyes of both men and women alike has driven the most timid of souls to the most extreme of actions. Homicides have occurred as a result of this fear, along with the countless young lives committed to a life lived in penal institutions across the country. All because we are afraid. We try to temper the fear through self-medication with noxious products such and alcohol and drugs. Young people drink, in part, to assuage the fears of stepping into adolescence and adulthood. To first approach a person of the opposite sex can at first be a daunting task, however made all the easier with the consumption of alcohol. Anger also becomes a method of pacifying the fear. People embrace anger like it’s the last emotion they will ever feel, not because they are truly that upset, but that it keeps the fear at bay. My point: we need not to fear the world around us, along with it, its bedfellow anger, and unchecked aggression leads to destruction. Need an example? Just open your eyes.

"no one says they want to be a junkie when they grow up"...and your right.

Options. Our visible world is predicated on this fantasy. American prides itself on this fantastical concept. It’s even infected our burger joints… “Have it your way”. Well, let me shed some light on this overrated and under scrutinized concept. It’s utter bullshit. I know my words seem a bit…caustic, but I have reason. Free will is based on the concept of choice, being able to choose between two “things”, either tangible or conceptual. The assumption is that both of these “things” are equally attainable. In other words, no matter which one is ultimately chosen, once the choice is made, the likelihood of acquiring it is the same. We make this assumption for good reason. We go to said burger joint, and they ask us “Onion rings or fries?” Simple enough question, and in turn, a simplistic response follows. There is little to no consequence in the choice, for the exception of the inevitable doubt of how the item not chosen would taste with that greasy burger. The only effort involved is saying your choice, and they are equally as easy to say, I mean onion rings is two words, as opposed to fries, which is one, but damn, no one cares. Now, let’s say if you chose fries, you would have to give up a finger in order to get them. Any finger of your choosing, but a digit nonetheless. The choice is still there, your free will seemingly intact. But let’s be honest. One choice is so damn unattractive; it might as well not even exist. You could give up the finger, and paw over your fries you 4 fingers and a fresh nub, but who would want to? It is no longer a feasible option. I’m over technicalities, so I don’t want to hear it. You have one choice: those onion rings. Now, this isn’t a problem per se, but it needs to be acknowledged. As long as we have this romanticized view of free will, we cannot see the situation for what it is, and interact with it realistically. My point: we often look at certain individuals in our society, the poor, drug-addicts, and state that they chose this life for themselves, so why help? And it's never that simple big homie.