the straight dope.

As much as I think about saving the world, and getting people to be people again and not mindless drones, I think about something else alot. Relationships. Me finding a woman who could potentially be my wife. Someone told me that I'm not going to be happy until I'm someone's husband. That's partially true. Until I'm a husband and a father.
nope.

There is nothing in this world of ours that I don't have some sort of opinion on. I have thought out, well-supported opinions. I'm pretty confident I can hold my own in any arena. I'm a thinker: give me any amount of time time, and I can put it together.
Except when it comes to relationships. Good god, I have no idea.
There was a point when I studied relationships between people. Studied women.
It did absolutely no good.

Well, let me not say that. I did learn some things, I suppose. Nothing that has served me well over the course of these years. More along the lines of general at-the-bar-with-my-homeboys banter. I use it to give advice to other people, but I never know if it works. It doesn't for me.

I don't go for numbers. Over the course of my 23 years of living, I have probably attempted to deal with maybe 4 women. Maybe 5. Out of these 4-5, I made an all out effort for 2 of them. I mean, balls to the wall, nothing left, leave it on the floor, "I didn't leave anything for the swim back" effort.

Neither worked out as I planned. I learned from both though. About the evils of being selfish. How people can be from the same country and state, and speak two completely different languages. That first loves do not often last. How people are either, leaves, branches or roots, and your gunning for insanity if you can't tell the difference.

Leaves, branches or roots. Now a leaf chills on the tree, takes from the tree what it needs to florish and gives shade from time to time. They give a little sustanince to the tree, but not as much as they take. Even cast a little shade. But if the wind blows a little too briskly, they fall off.
Branches are a little trickier. They stick around a little longer than the leaves. Let a strong storm hit, and they hit the ground right next to the leaf. Alot more leaves than branches, so when they break away, it hurts a little more.

Roots feed the tree. Give it grounding in this world. Stick around as long as the tree does. The relationship is reciprocal. Neither feels slighted because what it taken is replaced. They will continue to feed the tree even if it is sick. Maybe only a couple of these ever in the course of a life. Take comfort in the fact that they are always there, until the tree isn't.

You can't blame a leaf for being a leaf, as much as you can't blame a cigarette for causing cancer. The problem lies in trying to make a leaf into a branch, or a branch into a root. God forbid a leaf into a root. Imagine using a Newport to heal a cut. It was never meant to.

You have to figure out what's on your tree. Not to prune it, but so you don't make the mistake of unrealistic expectations.

I'm lying a little. Sometimes you have to cut off some branches and pull off the dead leaves.Prune people out of your life. Not out of spite, but out of concern for your own well-being. No one really has to tell you how has to kick rocks and bop. Deep down, you know. Just have to follow your instincts.

That's the straight dope.

selflessly.

Most people are extremely selfish. I would say 97% of the world's population, which translates to almost everyone I know. Even people I love. Even those people who say they love me as well. People that say they love you. But, then again, more than likely, you are saddled up with that 97 out of a 100. Heavy.
Selfishness now has become a virtue. Ayn Rand would celebrate this fact. And at one point, I would have agreed. It's necessary to look out for yourself. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself. Have "me" time.

Nonsense.

It's hard to see people's selfish ways in this day, and at this particular time. We have been so neglected, passed over and depressed that small tokens of gratitude are amplified to gargantuan proportions. We want so badly to be surrounded in the shroud of selflessness, protected by it, sustained by it. As with many things that fall under the category of intrinsic human needs, the definition has been perverted. Perverted because the need to have it in any capacity has been far outweighed for the need of it to be true and legitimate.

Take love for example.

An intrinsic human need. As essential as sleep, water, and shade on a hot day. We need it so badly that we often take poor substitutes than to be without it at all. Eating a 7-11 doughnut when you really want a Cinnabon. At least its sweet. Because so many people accept these poor substitutes, the definition of love has changed. No longer rooted in sacrifice, no longer fed by empathy. What makes this so dangerous is that it isn't a want, but a need. You can do with out sugar, but not true love. So where as that doughnut will suffice, piss-poor love will not. It ruins people. This is bigger than intimate relationships.
Now the definition has changed. Pretty much anything that doesn't involve hospitalizing someone can fall under the umbrella of true, you-don't-know-her-like-i-do-momma, love. Pretty damn sad.

Selfish. It can manifest itself in so many ways. So many, that I rather not even get into it. It's better to know something by what it is, and not what it isn't.

selflessness:
giving when not giving is not only easier, but better for your own well being.

Jesus on the cross.
Your mother having you.

People get so gassed by the small things. And it's ruining the definition. Giving is more than material. The pilgrims gave the indians firewater, shiny beads, and diseased blankets. Its more than presents, dinners, sneakers, hugs, flowers, clothes and sex. The most important things that we are given are often things we cannot see, touch or use.

God has to smile when we give apart of ourselves. To someone. To the world.
Often times, it hurts. Sacrifice always does.
But, it never fades. Never leaves. Not transient, but eternal.

It's the only gift that keeps on giving.

So. Give.

buying dreams and renting reality.

I've been at some stage of unrest for some time now. I think it was spurred on by sleep deprivation from traveling so much these past few weekends. All good trips, all satisfying, which is good. True satisfaction is hard to come by these days. I stayed up for 2 days straight in South Carolina. I was Navigator, First Class for the first autonomous trip made by second generation Singleton males. Well, three of us anyway. Didn't want to end up in Jersey so I stayed up to read maps. Till my stomach hurt and my hands shook. Ugly to feel that way. After I came back, nothing seemed at place. Gravity turned of in this mind of mine, and everything got mixed up. Things in my life, situations, that I had all given their particular place was just haphazardly floating around. Bumping into each other. Spilling out of containers. Sliding under sofas. Trying to put them back was like grasping at straws made of smoke, trying to grab a birthday ballon with the world smallest string.
I don't mind telling you about some of these rebellious objects. Been like almost two years since I've been in a relationship. My response to moving on was to do the exact opposite. Didn't deal with anyone except myself. There is a person out there that I should be with, but am not. And up until the day after SC, I was fine with that.
I'm moving out this weekend. Fine. Until I came back.
Contract is up at my job. More than fine. Until, of course.
I have dreads. Small ones, but locs nonetheless. I like them, especially with a big fitted hat. Not when I came back though.
I was getting weird headaches and feeling weak.
I made my niece something to eat a couple of hours ago. Well, I heated up some leftovers. As I was heating up this chicken leg, I felt calm.
Poured her a drink. I felt cool.
Cut a slice of cake. I felt collected.
I felt at ease.
I realized something, but don't know what. I think it's that movies make me happy. I love my niece even though she is feeling out who she is and sometimes that is annoying. People are just people, but I wish they were more. That being you is something that you have to be comfortable with, once you find out who you are.
That people like to be sold dreams and to rent reality.
Nothing would make me happier than to have a wife and children at a house I own, having a cookout with all my mans.
I love how I have changed from 16, and look forward to what changes will come with tomorrow. Writing for yourself, and having it mean something to others is slick. I put the hurt of my dad's death somewhere, and I have to find it before...well, find it soon.
That people give alot of explainations of life which are true, but unsatisfying. You can always tell because interspersed in the body of the conversation is "that's just the way it is". I am here to tell you that that is a wack-ass explanation. I promise if you ask me something, I will give you the best, most satisfying answer I can muster. For that, we might have to sacrifice some truth. But truth in this instance isn't essential. You being able to sleep at night is.

Things are back on the shelves.