buying dreams and renting reality.

I've been at some stage of unrest for some time now. I think it was spurred on by sleep deprivation from traveling so much these past few weekends. All good trips, all satisfying, which is good. True satisfaction is hard to come by these days. I stayed up for 2 days straight in South Carolina. I was Navigator, First Class for the first autonomous trip made by second generation Singleton males. Well, three of us anyway. Didn't want to end up in Jersey so I stayed up to read maps. Till my stomach hurt and my hands shook. Ugly to feel that way. After I came back, nothing seemed at place. Gravity turned of in this mind of mine, and everything got mixed up. Things in my life, situations, that I had all given their particular place was just haphazardly floating around. Bumping into each other. Spilling out of containers. Sliding under sofas. Trying to put them back was like grasping at straws made of smoke, trying to grab a birthday ballon with the world smallest string.
I don't mind telling you about some of these rebellious objects. Been like almost two years since I've been in a relationship. My response to moving on was to do the exact opposite. Didn't deal with anyone except myself. There is a person out there that I should be with, but am not. And up until the day after SC, I was fine with that.
I'm moving out this weekend. Fine. Until I came back.
Contract is up at my job. More than fine. Until, of course.
I have dreads. Small ones, but locs nonetheless. I like them, especially with a big fitted hat. Not when I came back though.
I was getting weird headaches and feeling weak.
I made my niece something to eat a couple of hours ago. Well, I heated up some leftovers. As I was heating up this chicken leg, I felt calm.
Poured her a drink. I felt cool.
Cut a slice of cake. I felt collected.
I felt at ease.
I realized something, but don't know what. I think it's that movies make me happy. I love my niece even though she is feeling out who she is and sometimes that is annoying. People are just people, but I wish they were more. That being you is something that you have to be comfortable with, once you find out who you are.
That people like to be sold dreams and to rent reality.
Nothing would make me happier than to have a wife and children at a house I own, having a cookout with all my mans.
I love how I have changed from 16, and look forward to what changes will come with tomorrow. Writing for yourself, and having it mean something to others is slick. I put the hurt of my dad's death somewhere, and I have to find it before...well, find it soon.
That people give alot of explainations of life which are true, but unsatisfying. You can always tell because interspersed in the body of the conversation is "that's just the way it is". I am here to tell you that that is a wack-ass explanation. I promise if you ask me something, I will give you the best, most satisfying answer I can muster. For that, we might have to sacrifice some truth. But truth in this instance isn't essential. You being able to sleep at night is.

Things are back on the shelves.