why I hate most everything/i am my brothers keeper.

I want to take a small break from the tributes to my homeboys to address something. People tell me all the time that I hate everything. I don't hate everything, just most of everything that this world is or has to offer. People ask why, or just shake their heads. People try to say I'm a contradiction, or I'm too negative about things. I want to take just a few moments to air it out.

I break down life into two seperate and distinct categories: things that are for me, and things that are not. I think everyone does this in their lives to a certain extent, which is a good thing. It helps people stay away from those things, people and situations that do not want to be exposed to. But, from my observations, people are still open to dabble in that other list. For most people, it's more of a " I prefer do to these things vs. I prefer not to do those other things." For instance, people may not prefer to watch award shows, but if one is on, and there are no other quick, suitable options, they may give it a go.

Not me.

If I put something on the "not for me list", I hate it. And I don't mean dislike. When I use hate, I know the evil, dismissive connotation associated with it. Me hating it prevents me from every exposing myself to it, because I think that if I do, it will adversely affect me. It will turn me into something I'm not.
My moms used to tell me that it is impossible to be in something and not be of it. Meaning that if your in Rome long enough, will not just only do as Romans do, but soon enough, you'll be arguing the benefits of a republic vs. emperor.

You'll be a Roman.

When I look around at most people, to be honest, I see idiots. Not to say that they don't have the potential to be intelligent, but if they constantly refuse to use it...

I mean, if your a dog and you act like a cat 95% of the time...might as well hop your ass in that litter box.

I don't want to limit "idiocy" to intelligence. That's just a very small part of it. I think idiocy is better defined by the inability to see yourself as a larger social structure. That what you do, and how you act, and what you learn (or don't learn) can positively or adversely affect those around you. In short, you have a responsibility to turn yourself into a "good" human being, because if you don't, the people around you won't.

Most people in this world don't do that. They are too busy "doing them." Selfish assholes.

I see most people using myspace, having ringtones, watching american idol, wearing chains, reading zane books, putting rings in their mouths, gossiping, acting tough when they are soft as cotton, smutting off, going to clubs among other things that I hate.
Let's use some logic here. If I believe most people are functioning idiots, and most people do those things, then most of the people that do those things are idiots.

I don't want to be an idiot.

This isn't to say that everyone who does these things are idiots. I have people in my life that I love and respect that do most of those things, if not all of them. And I know they are intelligent, caring, unselfish people. But I can't dabble. I'm not strong enough. I need to keep my head clear. My heart pure. Because one wrong turn, one bad weekend, and I'm done. I'm through. I'm wearing sunglasses at night, disrespecting women, and watching music videos from sun-up to sun-down. There are enough of those men in the world.

If you respect my mind, and the way I think. If you like the person I am, and don't want that to change, then you have to understand why I hate most of the things other people like. I have to be different, stand for something different because I want the world to be different. I want what everyone else secretly wants, but has given up on. If you let me hate, then maybe.

Just maybe, things will be as they should. Because you know, deep down, that they aren't. That this can't be all life as to offer. And maybe, just maybe, together, we can right the ship.

why do you say his whole name? mike brown.

It started off because somewhere down the line, the great name of Michael was overused and under appreciated. People all over the world flocked to it because of its simplicity and intrinsic nobility. What followed was a glut of men named Michael. In a group of seven, two people are bound to be named Michael. I was Mike, he became Mike Brown. And in that small act of youthful ingenuity (or lack thereof), he was created.

There are some people in your life you wonder why God put them there. And then there are some who you never had to question why, because the answer was as plain to see as jane.

One day I was at the bar with my man Mike Brown. We get to talking about women, and I was trying to describe how this one particular woman looked. I'm thinking, thinking hard, then it comes to me.

"This broad is fiefdom ugly."

I took a shot with this one. First I assume that the listener knows what a fiefdom is. Then I have to hope that he/she can draw a connection between a ancient system of landownership and a persons appearance.
Mike Brown is in tears with laughter. I never doubted it for a second.

I love movie, books and music. Mike Brown is one of 3 peoples opinion that I listen to when it comes to these things.
Nina Simone. Who can you find these days who appreciate Mr. Bojangles.

He is one of 4 people I listen to about life because I knows he's constantly thinking, feeding his mind, and making it all work for him. I'm crazy, but I know I'm not alone.

Why do you say his whole name? Because to leave out the Brown is like watch with no hands. It doesn't work without it.

sin eater. tatum singleton.

In the movie The Order, they talk about the sin eater. A person that would "eat" the sins of a person that could not seek absolution from the church to gain entrance into heaven. They damn themselves for eternity in order for others to have eternal pardise. The ultimate act of self-sacrifice.

Doing whatever it takes to take care of your family. Sleeping 2 hours a night. Having 7 different things working for you, and you have to work to make it happen. Always grinding. Always making it happen. Alot of people talk about the grind, but have no idea what it means to.

If you fail, it all falls apart. The seams split, the balloon breaks, the foundation slips and it all falls apart. You know that going in. You come out on the other side, and you still make it happen. The lights are still on. The mortgage paid. The children helped.

You eat the sins of those you love so they can live free. Even if it means you cannot.

You think no ones sees, but I do. You think no one admires, but I do. You are the example I give of what it means to be a man. When my father died, the shadow fell, and I saw all those who helped me grow. No person more than you TJ. No person more than you cousin.

(2nd smartest person I know. I'm counting my moms/pops as one unit. you get the shiny silver. black bastard.)

The world will know your greatness before I am through with it.

hell cab. ronald samuels.

My man Ronald. It's been a long 13 years. Back to 1993-1994. Summer school. Me, you and Danny Shin. Getting hustled by you for my comics books outside of Carey Hall. I didn't know about the barcode on the front, but I learned quick. Soujourner-Douglass College. The lounge. Exploring the 4th floor. Fucking with the janitor Bernard. Always up to no good. Minds always on a scheme. I had it in me, but you brought it out. P.I.C.

This isn't the "get your life ruined on some nonsense" blog. So i'll keep the capers to myself. When your about it, you don't have to talk about it.

Alot of things go unsaid in our friendship, as it should. But if my pops passing taught me anything, it's to say what should be said before it's too late. And you never know it's too late until.

When my pops passed, I came home. Ronald called my house. I told him the business. He told me "Damn, thats fucked up."

He told me the truth. No lies, no weak ass euphemisims. He knew I was hurt, and he didn't know what to say, so he told me the truth. And this in this, lies his greatness. No matter what, I get the truth from my man because thats what he gives himself. Love it or hate it, it doesn't much matter because he'll never be anything else. Always. No high-octane fuel. His truth gives me grounding, motivation, clarity. The truth lets me know that he's there to ride to the end. That friendship means more than what you see on MTV.

Somebody once told me that he can't see how we are friends. If you know me, I can't see how we wouldn't be.

oh fat kid...what have you done?

At the end of my life, I want someone to say that. To look back at the life I led, and just ask that one question.

Hopefully, I have made a mess. An absolute mess of this life. Like 3 third graders with a bucket of paint, feathers and glue in your grandmoms living room. You will shake your head at my antics. I will have kicked up so much dust, it's like being in a sandstorm. You will shake your collective heads, throw up your hands and look to the sky and ask the lord why did you have to know me.
That's the promise I make people. I can't say that I will never hurt you. Dissapoint you. Make you beyond pissed. Way beyond exasperated.

But the ride will be interesting. And we both will be better because of it.

I've come to be The Last Mohican.
A marytr, maybe. You might not like me.
You'll love me though. Who doesn't secretly love the fat kid?

You don't have to ride down this path with me. Just root for me.

My next few posts will be for my homeboys. Just to let you know that it's all appreciated.