you are NOT the father.

I used to be addicted to Maury. Every morning I was wake up and watch it, sometimes at the expense of being late to class. When I missed it, I would be mad for at least a hour.

Not all Maury shows are created equal, even though he doesn't change up all that much. My least favorite are the shows about the 75 lbs. 2 year olds, whose moms feed them more than I eat, and I'm a fat kid. Maybe the fact that it's just momma up there is explanation enough on why there is a toddler that eats 2 t-bones, 6 eggs and is on stage in the Bam-Bam loin cloth.

I don't like the I used to be ugly, now I'm not shows either. The women get breast implants and come dressed like strippers (or are strippers), which doesn't mean your not ugly, but just more worthy of sexual advances. Your like the perfect late night come up: down bad enough in the face to ensure that a reasonable man won't get shot down, but with enough Total Nonstop Action to justify what you just put your little man through, once the truthful sun cuts through the lying haze.

Dudes lose weight, workout, and become strippers. Which is bullshit for me because no matter what the day, an oily dude in leopard skin drawers is a sight I could go my whole life without seeing. With that dumb ass smile plastered on your face. Aint nothing to be happy about. Pops can't be proud.

But my favorite shows are the lie detector tests and the paternity tests. I could talk all day about the shit I find funny about those shows, but that is for another time and place, and for another computer that just doesn't register every 5th keystroke. All situations are not created equal however, as some situations lead only to tears, as others paths end in a heroin laced escape.

5) The woman who has brought up 3 dudes at a time to see who the dad is, for a month worth of of shows. Then they hit her like the Brady Bunch for the introduction: her picture is in the middle, the headshots of all the other dudes she brought on surrounding her. You know its bad, cause the last 5-7 dudes don't even give their real names...so she has to hear "Smoke, you are NOT the father...". Then they do the at home update, where she reports that she has given up on the search, and resigns to raising the child by herself, while the Maury audience cheers the cheer of buffoons in the background. When did just mommy become not only acceptable, but worthy of applause?

4) The man who loves his wife, been together for 5 years, has a three year old son, and she comes on the show to tell him that he might not be his, words mired in a sea of tears. It's even worse when both parents are of one race, and the kid is a octaroon riding on the back of a zebra, pops holding on to that foolish yet understandable hope that his white DNA can somehow make Tiger with no Earl. Bad, but trumped by...

3) Add two more kids, none of which are his. Pain, on this level, is unique. Many of us will never scrape this level. Those tears he shed are as real as they come. Nothing like break-up or death tears. This is like white kid, Linkin Park suburban angst, mixed with crack hands and dope arms.

2) Man, wife, married, 3 kids, youngest one is of his line, but the 2 oldest are someone else's. Enough to make you sick to your stomach when you look at her, but the one that's yours is probably enough to make you stay.

1) Your baby's pops is a carny.

Carnival folk.

The dude at the toss a ring at a milk bottle game.

What's the logistics of an at like that? Where does it go down? On the stuffed monkey I just won my niece? I worked for a prize that had carny ass on it?
Whats the motivation of smashing a carny? He's only in town for 2 weeks, tops, so it can't be the scintillating conversation. And lets face facts...you let a dude WHO WORKS AT A CARNIVAL, run in it like purple suit Eddie?


(raw?)

Yeah, thats gotta be number one. We gotta start giving a f*ck about these kids.