the undefined, part 1.

everything in this world has a definition, and i don't when that that became a bad thing, but it has. i was talking to one of my co-workers about going out and drinking. she asked me what i drank, and i told her scotch. she said what else. i said beer. 

no mixed drinks?

not unless the liquor is in the title.

why?

cause i don't like those type of drinks. and i don't think men should drink them. that last line got a raised eyebrow. 

a drink doesn't define your manhood.

so if you went out with a dude, and this nigga ordered a sex on the beach, you would be cool with that?

if that's what he liked. that last line made me raise a eyebrow. at what this world has become.

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man, woman, child, daughter, smart, stupid, rich, poor...all those words, along with every other word in our lexicon has a definition. sure, some things about the definition change, but they all have definitions nonetheless. it's definition gives it meaning, makes it more than a grouping of letters. it gives us a standard, a baseline, some foundation.

it lets me know that 10 dudes on a basketball court running with hockey sticks hitting a volleyball aint necessarily playing basketball.

what's happening is that slowly but surely our definitions are being rubbed out. started off as a smudge. then certain words were erased, until soon, every word will have one definition.

"undefined."

i think its that people hate being held to a standard, or more importantly, falling short. the fall is far, and excruciating when you hit the ground, but that pain is for a reason. the next time you have more incentive not to fail. fail at living up to the definition. 

but now people feel that sting, and run away from it. instead of stepping up, they step out and instead re-reading the defintion so they know what to do different next time to fall in line with it, they just tweak it so failing aint failing. and no pain is felt. 

and they never get better.

my pops. we had a good relationship, but things changed when i went away. i got caught up in my own little world that i didn't remember that i had to reach back to my old one. my pops would call, and i wouldn't call back. when i came home, i didn't spend as much time with him as i should have. i didn't completely fuck up, but i didn't do all that a son should. because being a son means certain things. the word has a meaning. i knew the meaning.

then he died. now i know towarsds the end, i wasn't doing what i should. does that mean i lie to myself, and change the definition of what being a son means because i fell short? it hurt like shit. my pops gone. i can't go back and tell him "my bad." can't go back and return those calls, spend that time. 

but what i can do is make sure i don't ever fall short of the definiton with my moms. be a son till she's over and all i have is her memory. what i can do is check the other definitions that apply to me, and make sure that i'm adhering, staying close. when i stray, and i will stray, i know that i have to get back. because whether they know it or not, those people are depending on me to live up to it. my niece needs me to be a uncle for her. my sister needs me to be a brother. my cousin a cousin. 

the world needs me to be a man. and for men to be men. straight up. 

i hear alot "i like to see a man that is comfortable enough with himself to do (blank)." I can dig it, but that man can't keep on doing those blanks and be still considered living up to the definition.

i like to see a man who is comfortable enough to wear pink. drink fruity drinks. get facials. watch sex and the city. wear tight clothes. go to a gay club. get a tounge ring.

you see where this is going? eventually, dude aint a man. buy him a maxi cause he's about to bleed. not one of those events alone means your any less of a man. but you have to have limits. boundaries. it was a reason your peoples told you that you couldn't go past the mailbox on one end and the last lightpole on the other. because you might get lost out there and forget the way home.

as a man, i do plenty of shit that i don't like to do, but have to do. women do the same. plenty of shit, but you do it because you have a standard to live up to. my moms doesn't drink out of bottles or wear pants to church. in her era, women didn't do that. i know times change, and the definitions follow suit but they cannot change to the undefined. it can't be a free for all, whatever feels good, and hurts less. whatever is less work.

damn the general titles. you have a name, a name that someone gave you. generally, us sons and daughters of slaves, our names mean nothing more than the definition we give them. 

don't you want it to mean something?