there there.

Every so often, I look at the obituararies in the newspaper. I always pause when i see "198x-200x". Always. I look and I stare at the notice because no matter what the X is, that person is around my age, and is no longer here. You see alot of those dates when you look at the war casualties.



I went out on a scotch adventure with one of my homeboys. We were talking about relationships, specifically his relationship with his girlfriend He told me that love is a blessing, no matter what form it comes in. When you have it, cherish it. If you think you can have it with someone, take the shot. God doesn't send you too many true chances at having it.



"With people who give a lot of themselves to the world, they need that one person who gives to them. And it’s more important than anyone realizes. I know we're supposed to get all we need from God, and I do, but it means something else when a person, as flawed, frail and weak as I am makes the sacrifice to give to me."

I wrote that to a friend of mine awhile ago, about myself. What I now realize is that everyone gives alot of themselves to the world. Everyone needs that kind of sacrifice from someone. It's the definition of love.

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I woke up this morning thinking about those three things. One after the other, over and over again. I knew they were linked, but I couldn't see how, because seeing how they were linked would make me look at myself a little differently. It would change what I once thought was a fact of life as it related to me. Those three ideas, in a distilled form look like this:



1) People die all the time, way before they or anyone else thought it was time for them to do so.
2) You don't get many chances at true love.
3) We need to be loved by someone other than a person we are related to, or God. Because it means more.

It's the truth. No matter how it sounds, it's all true. You don't have to look far for the confirmation. We all know someone whose death made us question our own mortality. We all know how elusive rocking-chair love can seem. And we all know it different it feels to have someone, for absolutely no good, logical reason give us a piece of themselves, a piece no one else has. That no matter the weather, they will never swap us out.

For a long, long time, I thought I was entitled to the last one. Number 3. Entitled to it because I tried to be a good son, brother, friend, cousin, man, person. Entitled to it because I like to write, and have a true deep appreciation for good food, music and scotch. Because I like to write. Because I was too good for the psuedo social networks of facebook and myspace. Because I'm loyal and love god. I think alot of people spend their lives thinking that number 3 is going to be there for them when they decide because they deserve it, for a number of reasons. Sure, their reasons will be different than mine, but I think we all have reasons nonetheless.

All of those things about me are true. But all it means is just that. Those things make up who I am. It makes me no more entitled to Number 3 than being named Michael Singleton.
Because of Number 1 and Number 2.

I can die whenever. There is a plan for my life, but I have no idea what it is. By getting close to the one who made me, I can know what road I should follow, but I will never have any idea of when that road will end. None of us do. God doesn't not promise you old age. God does promise you that one day, you will die.
You will not meet many people in this life that you will actually get to know. Even fewer will become your friends, even fewer still will become your friends for a lifetime. Now add the fact that this person will be of the opposite sex. And you have to be attracted to them. What are the odds of many of those coming down the pipe?

You are not entitled to true love. You may deserve it, but sad to say no matter how much you believe that, life is not listening. There is no guarantee that you will have it, even if you are blessed to enter the winter of your life. I don't say this to depress you, but to sober you up. Smelling salts of sorts. When you have a chance at it, take it. Now, this isn't to say that you throw yourself under the bus with every oppositely charged individual to whom you are attracted to and who shows reciprocal interest. I don't know with whom you should try with. But I do know that inside, you know. You know who would be worth it. Sometimes it's immediate, sometimes it takes a leap of faith. But if it all ends up at happy, does it matter how it started?

I think about the end of my life, well, the end that i want. Sitting out on the wraparound porch, rocking chair, looking out at the Singleton homestead. Thinking about the life I have led. My thoughts of my success, my loves, my cherished moments eventually lead me to my regrets, my dissapointments, my failures. I fix my stare into the distance, hoping that if I keep still, the oncoming storm won't find me. Keep my eyes still, and the flood behind my eyes will be contained.

but you can't stop what's coming. 

Only one voice can steady me during this oncoming storm. Only one touch can help me lean into the wind, stand the rain and the not fear the thunder. Only one person, by my side.

i'm here. always have, always been. it's getting dark, but i'm here.

That's worth trying for.