things that are true. added to in perpetuity.

A)
I was watching a football game one day. Giants versus somebody, and Osi Umenwhatever, the defensive end made a sack. He celebrated by jogging up field, one hand simulating a plate, and the other motioning like he was eating. Justin Tuck, the defensive tackle rushed over to him, patted him on the back, and started to mimic his celebration.

You can't do that. If the celebration isn't meant for two people (like the jumping side-shoulder bump), or not pre-planned for you and you teammate/homeboy, then you just can't celebrate beyond a hand-clap. Maybe several handclaps. But to copy the celebration makes you like like an expert pole-rider. Someone seeing you will think

"Damn. Why is he riding his nuts so hard?"

And that's no good. In fact, it's shameful. Maybe you think doing another celebration could save you. It won't. It would look stupid with two people doing two different celebrations caused by the same event. And you still look like your favorite swing set is your man's scrotum.

B)
If you say, "to be perfectly honest", the statement that follows should be savage, preferably with a curse word in it somewhere in the phrase. If you don't curse, you should. But if you don't, then don't. But don't cheapen such a necessary phrase such as "to be perfectly honest" with a pleasantry with a couple rough spots. In this world of deception and lies, passive aggressive behavior and the like, we need honesty. And "to be perfectly honest" is just the alley-oop some of us need in order to gracefully jam on someone.

Wrong: "to be quite honest, I don't believe that behavior was the smartest course of action." "to be perfectly honest, I think think that was too bright."

Right: "to be perfectly honestly with you main man, you are a fucking numskull for doing that dumb ass shit. Live near a microwave tower, become sterile and do us all a favor. Smart like a wet sack of hammers."

It seems rough. It is. But I mean, it is honest. You shouldn't do it often, jam on someone like that. But when you do, make it count. It might be the wake up shout they need.

C)
Aight, this one applies more for men. There are two different types of toilets we encounter. Toilets we try to piss in (house toilets, hopefully) and toilets we try to piss at (bar toilets).

Never shit in a piss-at toilet.

D)
This one is for the women. If you ever looked down at your feet, and thought even for a second that your feet are a little big, if your your below 5'5 and wear a 9 or above, don't look at, think about, cop or definitely wear All-white Air Force Ones or any variations of the all whites. Or Timbs. You know if your shits are big. They make you look ridiculous. Like big ass ice-cream sandwiches without that brown cake. Running around like you jammed your feet in some damn tissue boxes. . Never should someone look at your feet and think "shitkickers".

E)
Men, hear this. You can't go to the bar and order certain drinks. Straight up. I don't care if your
1) not much of a drinker 2) they taste good or 3) they get you trashed.

1a) If your not much of a drinker, then don't drink. Or drink beer. If you don't like beer, then don't drink.
2a) You shouldn't be drinking liquor because "it tastes good". No offense, but that's what women do. Unless you think liquor neat tastes good. Then by all means.
3a) All liquor is pretty much the same strength. Unless you drinking in the above/below 80 proof club, all that other shit is the same. It will get you equally tore down. This is for the long island ice tea crew. What your saying is that is gets you wet, in relation to the taste it has. I addressed taste in 2a.
What you drink, like alot of things, says alot about you to the world, whether what's being said is true or not. I went to the bar the other day, and ordered a Dewar's. The bartender commented "now that's a gentleman's drink." I didn't order it because I thought she would say that, but it didn't hurt. It's better than her thinking "me and my girlfriends love that drink!" or "I wonder if he's gay." That means no Apple Martini's. No Sex on the Beach (I mean, that should go without saying). Named drinks that don't mention the liquor in the name are borderline. I mean, there are decent drinks that fit into this category...Manhattans, Tom Collins'. But you don't drink that. You drink RedHeaded Sluts. You can't drink RedHeaded Sluts.

F)
There is no right reason for a man to have a ring in his mouth, or have a "man-bag". I had sandals on the list too, but I realize that that is a matter of preference. But the mouth ring and man-purse (otherwise known as the Shameful Murse) simply wrong. I always thought men did it for women. I heard the defense countless times that they didn't do it for women, they did it because they wanted to, which is true. They wanted to do it cause they thought women would like it. But if they was ever a wrong reason to do something, it would be to impress the herd of she-beasts who like tongue rings.

G)
Old white women waitresses are generally the best waitresses. I think its because 1) There are super motherly, and call you sweet shit like honey, baby, sweetypie, hon, and are patient and smile and all that 2) They come from a blue-collar background. Even though they may have come up in a situation where the world nigger was slung around reckless, like it or not, most black people have more in common with blue collar whites than upper-middle class or rich white and black people. She's old enough to have seen enough of this life not to care about all that. She just wants to take care of you. I think once the maternal instinct is turned on, then its no turning it off. That's why most mommas can't wait to become grandma (unless they are ducking getting old, and that something else entirely). Maybe old black women too, but I've seen more old white women waitresses.

H)
Your talking to a girl and she gets to jamming on some dude that she's dealing with. Or just talking about a dude she's dealing with. You cannot ever starting downing that man in attempts to either make yourself look better, or take that man's spot. You know you've traveled into the far country if anywhere in your conversation you have said:

1)"i would never do that to you."

2)"you deserve better than that." Cause number 1 and worse is only a phone call away.

She knows you wouldn't do that to her. And as far-fetched as it sounds, she knows she deserves better. And she's still dealing with someone else and not you. The reiteration of those facts is just redundant. And say it does work, and she deals with you because of those two things. Is that how you want your relationship to start, by saving? Cause if that's the case, then get some extra capes and tights cause your going to be saving this girl alot.
If you can't have her simply on the strength of your own merits, then it's time to cash in your hope chips buddy. Everything isn't fair in love and war. Remember, the destination is important, but so is the road you took to get there.

I)
When I hear a woman is "sexually liberated", I just think she's a freak. All the additional rap about finding your sexual identity, being emancipated from the notions conceived by men and placed on women like the shackles of slavery all sounds like bullshit, cause it is bullshit, and I take it a sign of disrespect. If you told me that you had a rough childhood, looking for love in all the wrong places, then i can understand. i really do. but to give it a slick name and ride it out?

Do I look stupid? Do I have a "Dumb Nigger: Will Fall for Anything" shirt on?

I start looking around the room at things that I have put my mouth near, and hope you didn't do the same. Then I think, "man, I hope I don't end up with something like this as a wife. Or a mother to my kids." And then I follow that up with a prayer for the same.